Its a new day

Its a brand new day and a brand new stage in my life. Those of you who read my blog know how much I struggled with infertility and how much work it was just to get the two beautiful kids I have. Its hard to say were done and to be honest, I wasn't sure we were done. We have tried for this past year and without success. Its a giant struggle in our daily life. Seeing women get pregnant so easily and even though you are happy for them, it still tears a bit of your heart away.  We had done ONE last round of meds and were Hoping that this would be the cycle. I had perfect progesterone levels and even thought I HAD to pregnant. I was feeling sick and nauseous just like I had in the past. But something was different. I just didn't know what that would be. Sunday at church I was a bit stoic as I sat there after seeing yet another negative pregnancy test, and yet I was still sick and even a bit loopy or spacey. I forgot my password for my work computer, I never do that.

Tuesday was supposed to be normal doctors appointment. Well it wasn't. Turns out I had some elevated levels that a previous doctor failed to look into. This doctor was not happy and could tell that something was wrong (even threatened blood transfusion). We drew some more labs and all though they are not all back, we do now know that its more likely that I do in fact have Lupus or some other AI disease and its not good. The good news is that I wont need a transfusion (I credit organic eating on that one!) The alarming one is that my kidney functions are off. So we need more testing for that too. There will be lots and lots of testing to come. I simply can not take a pregnancy at this time in my life.

So we are done. I am trying to look at all the good in this. Like, hey no more diapers. Or how about we can get a smaller more efficient car! We can focus more attention on the kids we are so lucky to have.  etc etc etc.. Its never easy.

Perhaps in the future we will adopt, I don't know. I don't even know if I will have the energy to get out of bed tomorrow. 

Teaghan Lousie

My niece has arrived, and she is so beautiful and mom and dad are so happy and I already love her so much and can't wait to be an auntie. But it is bittersweet for me. When they announced the pregnancy I was excited and then a few months later we decided it would be nice to have "just one more" and so we tried, and tried and tried. Nothing. This last month was the kicker, I was on a high dose of the meds and I didn't even come close to ovulation. so that sucked! I had have the choice to go to the RE for Injections or try another round of the med that IS NOT working. After prayer and tears we have decided that for right now, we say no to it all and just let my body be for a while. For some reason God has decided to close my womb and I need to be okay with that. I trust that my heavenly father knows best and ultimately His plan is the plan for me. I indeed have so much to be continually thankful for as well. I am lucky enough to have an amazing husband, and blessed with two beautiful children already. I get to go to work at a job I love and for now life is good. Perhaps this is HIS way of drawing me nearer to Him? I don't know for sure but again all I can do is trust that He has a plan.

on the other front, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Which to be honest, it feels good to finally have an answer, the part that sucks is now the meds are super expensive. I have an application into the pharmecutical company hoping they will pay for partial or all of it. If not I will ask my doctor about something cheaper, but at this point I just don't want to hurt anymore so I'll try anything !

Also...whew if your still reading props to you!!! I was given some backdrops to play with and Im super excited about them and hopefully this will give you all some future eye candy to see later!

over and out!

Christmas tree time!

The photos above were take when we went to cut down the christmas tree, how cool is that!

OH MY GOD!

heres the tests
First one! kinda there

soo I took the frer!!

and then tried to write the day on it..lol..

Lookie

U/S went well

My cysts are gone and my linig is still at a 7 but he is confident it will go back down! I get to start the femara tonight and have a lovely post coitel test on the 22nd if I have a Pos OPK! and trigger around the 25th! so here we go again!!! fun fun! Im off to have some margaritas and fajitas at my bothers party! ttyl

Shes pokin in

I think af is here.. just pink and brown right now but im sure red by the end of the day! Ill be calling my RE to make my u/s appointment as well!

*ETA~ Full flow now and my u/s is tomorrow at 3:45

I just went shopping for a pair of black pants to wear tomorrow to the graduation and im so excited.. first i fit into a 16! and then I decided on a pair of maternity black capris! they are soo cute and only a L! so I will be able to wear them all summer! ( ive got high hopes!) and then a cute pair of black flats! ohhhh I look so cute!

and I wont mention the bag of hershey kisses I just ate.. but at least i can use AF as an excuse right!

Moving on

So I picked up my femara today and then went and orderd the OPK and HPTs. I got a Bfn this morning but wasnt as sad as I thought Id be. I was a tad upset when i went to Mops and saw all the pregnant women but for now Im okay. Im actually cramping really bad so Im hoping my cysts are popping and Im getting ready to bleed! I will have to have an u/s when I do bleed and thats going to cost money! erghh.. all out of pocket! so I hope we are successful with our first femara round! we shall see! at least I get to have a GiANT Margarita now at my brothers graduation! woo hoo for that! ha

New Plan

So when af ever decides to show I will go on femara days 2-6 and have an u/s on day 12 and then a trigger whenever I get a pos OPK. So I found some cheap strips at babywishes.org and I think they are who I got the ones from my last pregnancy with sam! so maybe it will be good luck! 20 opk and 20 hpt for 20 bucks so not bad! and they are super sensitive.. just what a poas addict needs right! so even though shes not here and im still partially hopefull im also looking foreward to the next round.. maybe a thanksgiving baby! ( that would mean no cooking right..lol) okay anyways! Im feeling better about it now that we have a plan!

NOT PREGNANT

after 8 hours in the ER i am not pregnant! im so sad! my beta was negative! but i do have two lovely blood filled cysts! and my anemia is so bad that if it gets so low i need a blood transfusion! nice huh!

wheres the liquor

another

well it could have been an evap? I dont know! theres something there but I just dont know! it shows up fast.. but I could also have a case of the poas vision! ahhh this is taking forever to know! I just want it to be true so bad!! GOD please let me be pregnant! I cant test tomorrow.. i need to wait untill sunday and see what that one says! No POAS BRIE!!!

I tested again

and possibly have a faint line.. im talking microscopic and you have to angle it to see it. but even though im not counting it as a positive im counting it as HOPE!

working on it

This is brie and due to drama I made another blog! hence the SECRET! anyhow! for the new people who read this I am ttc #2. I took 3 medicated years and 3 miscarriages to get sam. on femara and glucophage! and so here we go again. 65 lbs later and a dose of clomid that worked we actually ovulated and Im excited about possibility it brings! I have so much hope for this cycle! I hope to do some video blogging in a few days and see what that brings! anyhow.. enjoy!